Josef is lost in a secret world of sexual gratification, a true-life Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, unable to halt the “roller coaster of conflicting emotional extremes that never stopped long enough for me to get off.”
“I gave myself to that sexual playground completely, and loved every minute of it when it was happening. It was only afterwards that spikes of shame, guilt, and self-¬loathing would be driven deep into my heart.”
He traces the beginnings of his obsession to his childhood, where his natural innocent curiosity and need for exploration were at odds with his Catholic upbringing and the view of his extremely repressed mother, both of whom regarded the human body as ‘dirty’ and ‘shameful’.
For sixty years, Josef lived a secret double life. The only people who knew about this other life were the professional mistresses, trannies, and prostitutes with whom he indulged every conceivable sexual fantasy. No one in his ‘other’ life had any idea of who he really was or the things he did.
Yet his secret life claimed a terrible toll. The failure of his first marriage. The loss of his son. The loss of his beloved second wife.
Only after extensive therapy was he finally able to see and feel the light of compassion, and allow the healing energy of forgiveness to begin taking away the pain.
In his journey, Josef explores an astonishing variety of topics. In addition to sexual addiction and the hidden world of BDSM, he delves into the burden of guilt of the Catholic Church, fear, political correctness, non-¬judgment, love and loss, philosophy, the soul, spiritual awakening, and healing.
I am an ordinary man who has lived an extraordinary life. It has not been easy, but in the end very rewarding. I stay sane running marathons, which is kind of funny, because that’s what my whole life has felt like. A million mile marathon. Running from myself. But I can rest now and when I’m not running I’m either reading or writing. I also like to spend time at the beach. I sit and look out at the horizon. I think it’s because I’ve always wanted to be somewhere else. Anywhere else.